Guide to Writing a Eulogy
Writing or contributing to a eulogy can be one of the most meaningful ways to honour their life and what they meant to you. It is certainly a privilege, but it can be a challenging thing to do, especially at a time of grief.
Remember, there is absolutely no obligation or expectation that you should write or deliver a eulogy—that is part of the celebrant’s role. You might prefer just to say a few words of tribute, which can be included as a special moment in the service.
Even if you decide not to write a eulogy yourself, reading through these ideas can help you think about your loved one in new ways and provide inspiration for the celebrant who may write it for you. The act of reflecting on their life and sharing memories, even informally, can foster healing and create a deeper sense of gratitude for the time you shared together.
Ultimately, whether you write the eulogy or provide facts and stories for your celebrant, the process offers a unique opportunity to celebrate the legacy of someone truly special while finding your own moments of connection and peace.
Step 1: Prepare Thoughtfully
Preparation is such an important part of creating a eulogy. Since it’s impossible to include every single memory or detail, take some time to focus on the moments and qualities that really define who they were and the impact they had on others.
What to Focus On
Special accomplishments: Think about their career achievements, awards, or personal triumphs. Maybe there’s a story about how they achieved a long-held dream or overcame a challenge that defined their resilience.
Defining relationships: Reflect on the connections that mattered most to them. Perhaps you recall a moment when their kindness brought comfort to someone or when they stood by a friend during tough times.
Unique personality: Don’t forget the quirks and traits that made them special. Did they have a knack for making people laugh? Or maybe they had a signature phrase that always brought a smile.
Additional Tips
Talk to others: Often, the best stories come from conversations with family and friends. Gather anecdotes and insights that can add richness to your tribute.
Look at keepsakes: Photos, letters, or cherished items can unlock memories and inspire stories. For instance, a photo from a family vacation might remind you of their adventurous spirit or love for togetherness.
Step 2: Choose a Focus
When you’re ready to start writing, decide on a focus. This will help you shape the structure and tone of the eulogy, making it easier to organise your thoughts. Begin by reflecting on what aspect of your loved one’s life you want to emphasise. Do you want to celebrate their achievements, highlight their core values, or share stories that bring their personality to life? Each focus will lend itself to a particular style and help you connect with your audience on a deeper level. Choosing a clear focus also ensures that your eulogy remains cohesive, heartfelt, and impactful throughout.
Approaches to Consider
Chronological approach: Start with their early years and move through their journey, highlighting key moments along the way. To make the chronological approach more cohesive, consider linking these events with a unifying theme, such as their dedication to family, passion for their career, or the kindness they showed to others throughout their life. For example, if the theme is their generosity, you could highlight their early habit of helping classmates, later efforts volunteering at a shelter, and eventual legacy of mentoring young professionals. This creates a seamless narrative that emphasises their impact across all stages of life.
DO: Highlight key events like their childhood, career achievements, or family milestones to create a full picture of their life. Prioritise events that had the greatest impact on your loved one or on others, as these moments can resonate deeply with the audience.
DON’T: Overload it with too many small details that might make it feel like a timeline rather than a story.
Thematic approach: Focus on their values or traits, such as resilience, kindness, or creativity. Use stories to bring those qualities to life. Choose one or two strong themes and select stories that illustrate them vividly. For example, if you choose resilience as a theme, you might recount how they overcame a major challenge, like rebuilding their life after a setback, and how their determination inspired others. This kind of story not only highlights their strength but also provides a powerful emotional connection for the audience.
DO: Choose one or two strong themes and select stories that illustrate them vividly.
DON’T: Stray too far from the chosen themes or try to cover too many qualities at once.
Anecdotal approach: A series of vivid, memorable stories can be a beautiful way to capture the arc of their life. These stories can be tied together with a common thread, like their humour or generosity, or can stand alone to celebrate the full breadth of their personality. Focus on stories that reveal their character and bring it to life. For example, you might share a story about how they always made holidays magical by baking their famous cookies and singing off-key Christmas carols, or how they had a habit of leaving kind, handwritten notes for friends and family. These moments can give the audience a vivid sense of who they truly were.
DO: Focus on stories that reveal their character and bring their personality to life.
DON’T: Present unrelated stories without a unifying theme or context to tie them together.
Step 3: Structure Your Eulogy
Having a clear structure keeps your eulogy engaging and helps your audience follow along, especially if you’re feeling emotional or nervous. It provides a framework that allows you to focus on delivering your message without getting overwhelmed. By organising your thoughts in advance, you reduce the risk of losing your place or struggling to find the right words in the moment, making your delivery smoother and more confident.
Simple Structure
Introduction: Introduce yourself and your relationship to the deceased. Begin with a warm or light-hearted memory to set the tone.
Example: "Good morning, everyone. I’m [Your Name], [Name]’s [relationship]. I’ll always remember how [Name] and I bonded over our shared love of gardening—especially the time they convinced me to grow tomatoes, which I promptly managed to kill!"
Main Body: This is the heart of the eulogy, where you share stories, memories, and reflections. Organise this section based on the focus you’ve chosen.
Conclusion: Summarise their impact, express gratitude, and say goodbye.
Example: "[Name] may no longer be with us, but their love and spirit will remain in our hearts and lives forever."
Step 4: Choose the Right Tone
Finding the right tone is essential. A warm and conversational tone can help balance the feelings of loss and celebration. Speak as if you’re sharing their story with close friends. This tone will put your audience at ease and also help you feel more comfortable as a speaker.
For instance, imagine describing a light-hearted memory of your loved one that naturally leads into a reflection on their kindness or resilience. This approach creates a natural flow and allows the audience to experience both laughter and tears, celebrating the full spectrum of who they were.
Tips for Tone
Use humour when appropriate: A little light-heartedness can bring comfort and reflect their personality. For example, "[Name] was a creature of habit—one of which was getting hopelessly lost at every opportunity."
Be authentic: Let your words come from the heart and avoid sounding too formal. Write like you speak, and only say something it it feels right.
Celebrate and reflect: Strike a balance between honouring their life and acknowledging the loss. For example, you might transition from a light-hearted moment, such as recalling their sense of humour with a funny anecdote, to a serious reflection on how they used their humour to bring comfort during tough times. These transitions help convey the depth of their personality and allow the audience to both laugh and grieve together.
Step 5: Keep It Concise but Impactful
A good eulogy doesn’t have to be long to be meaningful. Aim for 10 minutes max, which is enough time to share a heartfelt tribute without losing your audience’s attention. Remember, the goal is not to recount every detail of their life but to focus on key moments and qualities that reflect who they were and what made them special.
Tips for Brevity
Focus on the most impactful moments and stories.
Edit for clarity, removing details that don’t add to the main message.
Practise speaking slowly and clearly to give your audience time to absorb your words. Consider rehearsing in front of a trusted friend or family member to gather feedback on your delivery and emotional impact. Their perspective can help you refine your tone and pacing, ensuring your words connect deeply with your audience.
Step 6: Balance Celebration and Grief
This can be tricky, but acknowledging both the joy and sorrow of their life is important. A well-balanced eulogy can offer comfort to those who are grieving while celebrating the legacy they’ve left behind.
Suggestions for Balance
Celebrate their life: Focus on their achievements and the joy they brought to others.
Acknowledge the loss: Speak openly about the grief, but don’t let it overshadow their story.
End with closure: Offer a comforting note to help everyone move forward.
Example: "Although we grieve their loss, we can be grateful for the love they shared, which continues to brighten our lives. Their laughter, wisdom, and kindness will remain with us as a source of strength and inspiration."
Step 7: Avoid Common Pitfalls
Crafting a eulogy is a deeply personal process, but it’s easy to fall into some common traps. By being mindful of these potential pitfalls, you can create a tribute that feels authentic, focused, and meaningful. Don’t overload the eulogy with too many details.
Stay authentic—write as you speak, and speak naturally when you’re in front of the audience.
Focus on celebrating their life without dwelling too heavily on grief.
Don’t list facts, like the CV of a life. Tell their story.
Make it all about your loved one, not yourself.
Be careful with any anecdotes that could be embarrassing or make anyone uncomfortable.
Step 8: Finalise Your Eulogy
Once you’ve written your eulogy, practise reading it aloud. This will help you refine the pacing and tone. Consider practising in front of a trusted friend or family member to gather feedback on delivery and emotional impact. Failing that, record yourself speaking and make any helpful adjustments. Remember, it’s okay to feel emotional as you speak—your sincerity will resonate with the audience.
By following these steps, you can create a heartfelt eulogy that honours your loved one’s memory and offers comfort to everyone who hears it.
